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Dear MacBook Pro

4 Dec

I know I’ve only known you for a few days but I think it’s time I told you … I love you. I knew from the first moment I saw your sexy bod that I wouldn’t be able to resist your charms. Sure, I’ve seen others like you before. Heck, I even had one kind of like you. But it was just your everyday MacintoshBook, not this professional guy with the irresistible aluminum unibody.

Thank you for considering every aspect of the Mac packaging and presentation. Everything is so sleek and simple. As a dear friend once said, “You know it’s good when their Styrofoam looks better than their competitors products.” And let me tell you, your Styrofoam looks real good.

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One complaint: It was just a little too easy. If you could make set-up a little more difficult, that would be great. Sure, everyone appreciates convenience on occasion. But what kind of connection do you expect me to have with you when I don’t have to spend hours crying and stressing and losing sleep over program installation, file transfer, compatibility, and the like? There was no time to actually get to know you. Everything came so simple. It just feels too good to be true.

Well, thanks for being the mechanism that allowed me write this post. And believe me, the pleasure was all mine.



P.S. You smell amazing. That new electronics smell is absolutely magical.

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P.P.S. Tell Steve I said ‘Hi.’ He’ll know what I mean.

Dear MySpace

18 Oct

Old Myspace Logo:

New Myspace Logo:

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Dear MySpace,

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I’d almost forgotten all about you. But now you’ve snuck back onto the radar with a “new logo” stunt. Are you trying to be Gap? “I have a great plan. Let’s make a really crappy logo and see how much everyone freaks out and then we’ll know they love us.” Well played, Gap. But here’s my concern, Myspace: people don’t like you as much as they like Gap. There it is; I said it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good rebranding effort as much as the next kid; I’m just not sure that this is a “good” effort. I have a rule that if my logo can be made in Word, it probably isn’t the best logo. I’m also having a hard time understanding the concept. I realize that I am supposed to translate “______” as “space” but all I’m seeing is “MyBlank.” Is that how I’m supposed to translate it? You can respond to my My______  account that’s been inactive for about 3 years. Thanks!



My Thyroid’s Death Birthday!

13 Oct

The night before surgery. You can kind of see the lump on the right side of my neck.

The day I got my dressing off. Yes, that is crusty blood. Gross. Sorry, my camera was crapping out at the time.

Today! Nuts, huh?

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Dear Thyroid,

Welp, it’s been a year since you were surgically removed from my neck. I’m really sorry they cut you all up and did tests on you as soon as you were out of me. But you should have thought of that before you went and got tumors all over yourself and turned black and junk. Hopefully you’ve learned from your mistakes.

A lot has happened since we were separated. First of all, I got a sweet scar. It was pretty gnarly at first; I could make it smile and do weird faces but now most people don’t even notice it. For the first few months, I couldn’t talk to people without wearing a scarf because they would just stare down at my neck with a confused/grossed-out face, obviously not listening to anything I was saying. Then I would have to stop and say, “I had my thyroid removed.” Then I continue whatever I was saying, knowing they were even more confused than before.

I’ve been really tired without you. They’ve been giving me all kinds of different dosages of thyroid meds to replace you. Turns out you were doing a fantastic job keeping all my hormone levels ship-shape even though you were black and junk.

Here’s how it went down. At first, my dosage was too low = thyroid levels too low = me tired. So they upped my meds to the next dosage = thyroid levels barely too high = my pituitary released too much TSH = me tired. The thing is, there is no in-between dosage, so I get to stay tired until my body gets the hint. Oh yeah, and since my thyroid levels are barely too high, my metabolism is working like crazy, so it’s harder for me to gain weight. I’ll deal. 🙂 Thing are getting better, though; I don’t fall asleep without warning anymore.

Other than that, things are good. I have a cool job. I’m in a band. is the third Google search result for “thyroid shmyroid,” so that’s pretty cool. That’s about it. I hope things are going well for you. Please write back soon. I miss you!


P.S. Do you miss me at all?

Dear Amish Friendship Bread

8 Oct

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Dear Amish Friendship Bread,

You sly temptress! You and your cup of oil and 2 cups of sugar and loads of cinnamon sugar. I’ve tried to write you off so many times and yet a new starter comes my way every 10 days. And for the next 10 days I baby you as if you were my own; adding flour and sugar periodically and mixing you with care. Oh, how you spread yourself like a disease 4 starters at a time. And why can’t I figure out the math to make my own little loaf of bread without forcing everyone else around me to gain weight?! Dumb Amish math! I shall never eat your fermented goodness again!



P.S. See you in 10 days.

I’d also like to share a letter from a dear friend who also shares my pain.

Dear Friendship Bread,

You are anything BUT friendly to my body. I blame you for the way I feel today.


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