Cari Stewart

We’ve all been there. Something hilarious happens right before the prayer starts or you happen to open your eyes at an inopportune time. Suddenly you find yourself trying to suppress a laugh that does NOT want to be contained.

Your gut reaction is to close your face. Yeah, that’s right. Closing your mouth, and sometimes nose, so tight to ensure no giggles can escape. Some people choose to cover their mouth with their hand for reinforcement.

All your instincts are telling you this is your best option. However, this will inevitably result startling outbursts. These outbursts can be in the form of embarrassing snorts, nose laughing, mouth trumpeting, or a full-on explosion. Once one of these happens, you’re a goner. You just end up giving up and cry-laughing with your arms folded.

So how do you avoid such a disaster? I’ll tell you. It’s quite simple. However, it will require you to do the exact opposite of what feels natural. In the words of Troy Jennings, you have to embrace the laugh to hide the laugh…

Open your face. Yep, keep your mouth and nose open. Now that your airways are unhindered, you can breathe easier while avoiding embarrassing mouth or nose noises.

The key is short, shallow breaths. Again, it seems counter intuitive, but it will keep your breathing quieter and will allow to truly embrace your laughter.

NOTE: This technique is best used only during prayers as people’s eyes are supposed to be closed, preventing them from seeing you do a stupid face.

I have a lot of experience crying. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. Because of my extensive knowledge and frequent bouts, it’s only fair that I share some of my favorite tricks. These tricks are, of course, ways to prevent detection and, therefore, awkward situations.

Trick #1: Don’t acknowledge the tears

This is usually most effective while watching movies or perhaps in church. Just let the tears go and hope that they’ve dried by the time anyone has to actually look at you. Don’t touch your face! It’s a dead giveaway. With this option, you also have to consider your mascara. Prepare ahead: either no mascara or waterproof.

If you’re like me, you have to assume you’ll be crying at some point during the day – “I might be watching Tangled or Fast 5 today, better skip the mascara.” Get it?

This technique can be enhanced with a scarf. With a scarf, you don’t need to worry about your shirt getting wet. All you do is rearrange your throat coat a little bit to hide the evidence.

Trick #2: Let them fall straight from your eyeballs

Best used at a desk or, again, in church. The key is to lean over, resting your elbows on your desk or knees with your forearms parallel to the ground. Just look down at your forearms so the tears can fall straight down from your eyeballs, free of your cheeks. No tear tracks!

I prefer long sleeves with this technique. Your sleeves will absorb the tears without rolling onto your legs.

Trick #3: Breath control

Once you start breathing all goofy, it’s over. All control is lost and people will inevitably start looking at you. Just keep your breathing slow and steady. This can become more difficult if the boogs come. Just stay calm. Grab a tissue and play it cool.

Trick #4: Get a sunburn

“Why’s your face all red?” “Oh, I have a sunburn.” Done.

The key is to let your tears come freely. Once you try to stop them, your face gets all weird and blotchy. Act like they’re not there, and you’re good. These techniques also assist in avoiding unpleasant face contorting.

If you have any other tips or tricks, please share!

I know I’ve only known you for a few days but I think it’s time I told you … I love you. I knew from the first moment I saw your sexy bod that I wouldn’t be able to resist your charms. Sure, I’ve seen others like you before. Heck, I even had one kind of like you. But it was just your everyday MacintoshBook, not this professional guy with the irresistible aluminum unibody.

Thank you for considering every aspect of the Mac packaging and presentation. Everything is so sleek and simple. As a dear friend once said, “You know it’s good when their Styrofoam looks better than their competitors products.” And let me tell you, your Styrofoam looks real good.

One complaint: It was just a little too easy. If you could make set-up a little more difficult, that would be great. Sure, everyone appreciates convenience on occasion. But what kind of connection do you expect me to have with you when I don’t have to spend hours crying and stressing and losing sleep over program installation, file transfer, compatibility, and the like? There was no time to actually get to know you. Everything came so simple. It just feels too good to be true.

Well, thanks for being the mechanism that allowed me write this post. And believe me, the pleasure was all mine.

Love,

Cari

P.S. You smell amazing. That new electronics smell is absolutely magical.

P.P.S. Tell Steve I said ‘Hi.’ He’ll know what I mean.

The other night my friends and I were recounting unfortunate dating situations. I shared a few when it came to my attention that they were all the same guy.

After these stories, you may wonder why there were ever three dates with this dude. Look, I was 18 and new to the Provo scene. Give me a break. Now let me take you on a journey of only a few, mind you, of my uncomfortable dating stories …

Date #1: Pulling out All the Stops

So I went on a date with this guy. We’ll call him Scott, because that’s his real name. He and I worked together at a certain Provo restaurant barely off campus. We’ll call it Brick Oven, because that’s what the restaurant is called. So he and I go out. We end up at his house. He gives me a tour of his house, which, of course, ends in his bedroom.

He then proceeds to take out his guitar out and sing to me. Just think about how awkward that might be for me for a second. What song, you ask? “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer. First of all, having someone sing a song directly to you is crazy uncomfortable. They’re staring in your eyes, sure that their musical talent will break down all your defenses. And really, “Your Body is a Wonderland”? Since that didn’t get him any action, he had to go for the second date …

Date #2: Persistence

Besides the awkward bedside serenading, he was a fun guy to be around so the second date took place.  At one point during this date, he grabbed my hand and held tight. I had zero desire for this guy to touch me. So I pulled the “I need to check my watch” trick and wriggled out of his grasp. That also served as the queue for him to take me home.

So we’re in the car on the way back to my house and he grabs my hand again. For seriously? So I say, “Scott, I don’t want to hold your hand.” “Oh, ok, that’s cool.” Not 5 minutes later, he grabs my hand again! What the crap, guy?! So then I said, “Scott, I promise I don’t want to hold your hand.” I said this as we pulled into my building’s parking lot, so I’m still pretty sure the cycle would have continued had the date not ended.

Date #3: Five’s Company

Scott asks to me to go to a party with him. Ok, I’ll go to a stinking party with you. As I approach the car, I notice someone is already sitting in the passenger seat. My only thought: That’s weird. I get in the back seat to discover through our conversation that the girl in the front seat is his girlfriend. I’m now feeling increasingly weird. That seems like something you would mention when you ask someone out.

But that’s not all, folks. We picked up two other girls. Whether or not Scott tried to hold their hands and get with their Wonderland bodies, I know not, but it was bizarre nonetheless. As you can imagine, the party was almost all girls because every dude had the same idea as Scott: bring every girl you know. So there were at least five girls to every guy.

You’d think the guys would be loving their odds, but all the guys were in Scott’s position. They all had girlfriends but also brought all their other lady friends. So the party consisted of couples and ladies. Way to think ahead, guys. You successfully planned a Relief Society meeting.

If you’re worried about our dear friend, Scott, don’t be. I saw him a few months after our last ”date” to find he was engaged – not to the girl I met. Well played, Scott.